tomo127's Xanga

from an E to an I

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 19:07:14 GMT

When I first took that personality test in San Diego, I was teeter-ing between an extrovert or introvert.

Since then I have slowly moved to I status....
by the time I took my pre marital counseling personality test, I was a full blown I.

Somehow I made this transition... right now I can say I'm definitely on the I side. I might even say I get weary of being around people after a while. I only feel "safe" with certain people. I need my alone time to play games, watch videos, or my own version of a bubble bath QT.

I was thinking what made that transition. Marraige is definitely one of them. Not just that I don't need a lot of company anymore, but marriage for me takes considerable amount of energy and I'm more tired. But moreover because I walk around, meet people, even at church and feel a little down. I can't really explain it, maybe it's because of the protective barrier that we feel around people and ourselves that we put up subconciously. Or the expectations, pride, or disappointments from people. Or this social pressure that at the age of 30-something you're supposed to have something together, like marriage, maybe kids, if not work, at least finances. And that makes people, ... well to say it bluntly, mean or fake nice but still judgemental at the back of the mind.

I feel that living up in Washington has been more freeing than in California. People here are more chill in general, and you don't see a bunch of expensive cars driving up and down the freeway. I'm praying that my heart will be changed to be able to feel at peace and be able to step out.

Like how one frog said to the other...

Sat, 01 Aug 2009 20:25:07 GMT

You know how something is whirling in your head, and someone speaks the word of Truth, just so insightful and personal, that it was like Jesus used them to speak to you? I just had one of those moments last night as I was having trouble falling asleep and God used my husband to say a simple word of wisdom. Which reminded me of how thankful I am that God watches over both of us and grows us as one.

Just like how one frog said to the other frog, while siting on lily pads eating mosquitos, "Time's fun when you're having flies" These 4 years (!) seems to have flown by with all its ups and downs.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 23:11:35 GMT

I think I'm unable to look at the world objectively.

Today I was having a conversation about whether people choose career over relationships, or is it the lack of relationship drives them to have a strong career. I feel that God has created us for relationship so I feel as though it is the latter is true. I'm not sure, so you can give me other input.

Right now I know of a lot of people that work a lot of hours, over 40 hours is normal. For me, that would never be normal, I can't imagine myself working over 40 hours. Or do anything after work besides relax, hang out, etc. I dropped out of my masters program because I just couldn't do it while working. Or I can do it, but my relationship and sanity will suffer. I think it's impossible to have a good marriage and other relationships while working such long hours. and I have no idea what drives people to do so...

We were talking that hmm maybe, low income people choose relationships over career, but high income people will actually choose career/money over being poor but a good marriage.

Or, do people have a "I-want-it-all" attitude? Have a soaring career (working more hours) and a good marriage? Or has society dictates that people are supposed to work a lot of hours (and somehow maintain a good family too... whaaat??)

I'm unable to look at all this objectively. *sigh* I feel sad at the world.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 23:00:30 GMT

Since it's impossible for me to live my life without regrets, (it seems like) I want to live looking forward and not backwards (looking back at my regrets) and rest in the fact that God provides second chances and trust in Him to provide me the strength and wisdom to move forward.

empowered

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 20:37:34 GMT

Phillipians4

⁴Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I really like all of Phillipians 4. It's my fav verse to meditate when I feel troubled. I really should meditate on it more, so the words will be in my heart always!

mood is sad when body is sad

Mon, 25 May 2009 05:30:03 GMT

hrm I realize physical ailment really does affect my mood... I feel kinda sad and frustrated all the time while recovering from my surgery. I decided to go off vicodin after the first day cuz it was giving me hives. So I've been controlling pain with ibuprofen instead. Which actually I think goes better with my body but it's not as strong as vicodin, so I feel more pain. Today wasn't so bad though. hopefully I'll recover a lot more tomorrow since I'm back to work on tues!

Now I know why ice cream is essential to recovery.... gotta go buy more tomorrow.

the Blood Experience

Sat, 23 May 2009 05:44:06 GMT

I had my gum surgery yesterday... on vicodin every 4 hour routine today arrgh I hope that recovery wouldn't be as painful as last time. No infections please!

So the blood incident. The nurse had so much problems drawing blood! She poked so many times saying how she can't find the vein... that never happened to me before. usually nurses find the vein on the first try. Anyway, it hurt and I was scared of the surgery so I started hyperventilating.... and so the nurse stopped drawing more blood and brought me the oxygen tube to stick in my nose.

and the first thought that came into my mind is : "God, I don't want to die yet."

yah I know that sounds melodramatic, but honestly I feel as though I'm fighting through life and I would just feel tired. Mostly I'm fighting through my childhood hurts, and I feel as though I want it to be over soon. But when faced with pain and my concisousness is starting to fade.. I guess it kicks in. No, I want my character to be refined more, I want to love people better, I still have lots to do.... Unless it;s God calling me Home, I really shouldn't feel like I want it to be over.

Time for vicodin.... I'm starting to feel a lot of pain >_< Please pray for my recovery...

Fear

Thu, 21 May 2009 04:05:13 GMT

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because He first loved us. -1 John 4:18-19

I think I live quite a bit in fear. Sometimes I feel overridden by it, sometimes I'm just living my days as they come by, but in general, I'm really scared of a lot of things that can go wrong. I live in fear.
But of course I realize that I'm afraid of the world and what could do to me. God's plans are a lot larger than that. It's something I really need to meditate on.

the times

Sat, 09 May 2009 18:17:17 GMT

I finally slept well today, although I'm still tired since during the week I had semi insonmia. So maybe it is work that's keeping me up.

The axes came our way last week, it's seems like they're thinking of getting rid of us sooner than we think. It's like converge or lay off. I'm worried... although there's nothing I can do about it. man, tough times. I've been thinking, layoffs were January, then May, so maybe Sept or Oct next? Then I'll get 2months pay/benefits, then unemployment.... how long does that last?? So what's gonna happen to these thousands of all of a sudden out of job devs? I wish I was smarter, more marketable... I should spend more time during off work hours to brush up on my skills.... eh.

I'm 32 years old, so I think I should be thinking about kids right about now, but I don't think so in this economy. We're def not overachievers who push themselves into working long hours. So we might just chill for the rest of our lives..... just 2 of us. I guess that's cool, in some selfish ways I like how we are now enjoying marriage and nothing else to be responsible of.

sads

Thu, 07 May 2009 19:17:10 GMT

These layoffs are really sad. I lost most of my lunch crew.